Michael Ingmire: When Harry the Raven’s Army Met Fauci

A blue full moon rises above the cold desert night. We are near what appears to be a government or military compound in Los Alamos, New Mexico. What we are seeing are a nondescript series of one story, two story and a couple of three-story beige buildings with no obvious markers. Yet, this is a spooky place. It has a distinct history. This is the place where the atomic bomb was conceived and created by Robert Oppenheimer. A place where Indian spirits dance, playfully, on a cold night. Allegedly, Oppenheimer experienced his own version of Geronimo’s revenge. He never really recovered from his atomic madness.

Yet, magnificently, this dull compound is framed by the foothills of Caballo Mountain. Caballo Mountain,
where Conquistadors and Indians once cooked meals in its shadow. The illumination of the moon lights up the mountain and surrounding landscape almost like the beginning of dawn. A red-tailed hawk is silhouetted in the center of a very large moon. Suddenly, the hawk is startled out of mid-glide by an even larger bald Eagle: it is Lozen. (Our readers may remember Lozen’s story from the Politichicks article, “Another Feathered Satire From Harry the Raven’s Squad.”)

Also introduced in the aforementioned story is Lechuza, the Mexican Owl who flanks Lozen’s left. Flanking Lozen’s right and the hero of our continuing saga is Harry the Raven. They glide slowly and purposefully towards a large sub-hill composed of ancient stones. Following them silently are easily a thousand birds of prey consisting of ospreys, eagles, hawks, and condors, among others. They are all led by two Virginia Cardinals named Jean and Ruby. The birds assemble on the mountains above Harry, Lozen and Lechuza. Dignified, silent, like a solemn jury.

Below these many graceful birds, on the desert sand below, are legions of beagles, walking slowly in a military formation. On each dogs’ backs are small spider monkeys who ride the dogs like sheiks on camels. There are legions of cats flanking to both the left and right sides of the dogs.

There are also two canine Sergeant at Arms in Harry’s Army.

The first is Seamus III, the Grandson of the Irish Setter Seamus the First who formerly belonged to Mitt Romney. American culture sadly remembers this dog when, in 1983, Romney strapped him in a cage to the top of the family station wagon for a 12-hour ride. (Seamus III often dreams of just five minutes alone with Romney in a narrow room…)

The other representative of this two-man Sergeant at Arms is Major Biden, known as Joe Biden’s German Shepherd. He was a tormented animal possessed by Biden’s evil spirit, discarded after biting Biden’s Secret Service agents. In actuality, Major was merely trying to escape his fiendish owner.

Both these dogs escaped to Harry’s Army through the Sunnyland Railroad, an underground organization that frees tormented animals previously owned by narcissistic politicians and pampered public figures.

Landing easily, gracefully onto a pile of stones to the right of a broad foothill, are Harry, Lozen and Lechuza. Harry moves forward to speak. Lechuza and Lozen, through their anciently inherited powers, have rendered all involved in this gathering invisible and inaudible to outside observation.

In a deep voice, Harry begins:

“Animal Brethren, we gather here tonight to honor our dearly departed. Our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and spouses were all murdered by the orders of Anthony Fauci with a bloodlust accomplished in the name of “research”. The world mistakenly thought Anthony Fauci represented science. In reality, Fauci was the personification of science fiction and horror, a snake oil salesman that tried to sell America and the world toxins that destroy natural immunity and transform people’s cellular DNA. Mad scientists like Fauci promote the torturing of innocent animals to develop their bioweapons. They claim to promote better living by injecting toxins. The ground at this research facility is soaked with the blood of our ancestors.”

“Tonight is a war against Dr. Anthony Fauci,” Harry continues, “led by some of the animals he once encountered. So let’s roll. You all have our orders.”

The assembled animals move forward, still in military formation, slow and precise, dedicated and undetected.

Meanwhile, inside the main building is Dr. Anthony Fauci. He is isolated and plotting his next move. For you see, Dr. Fauci is hiding out. He has built a lab here with the Biden Administration’s help. His assignment is to create a bioweapon that targets a certain stratum of people, a virus that will kill all free thinkers and leave the spellbound to be the final pathogen Master Race.

Fauci is alone with a databank of computers covering one wall directly in front of him, a series of statistical graphs and charts to his left. He is alone in one of the three story buildings, with second and third story walkways and various apartments. This facility will eventually house Fauci and a large staff of trusted minions. He already sent word that he is not to be disturbed. His staff will arrive in about five weeks. If we did an internal examination of Fauci’s soul, we would find a dark smelly shadow. Acting like a true disciple of Nazi Scientist Josef Mengele, evil demigods in power seek to eliminate large sections of the current world’s population, creating space for only a chosen few.

While conjuring the world’s next and possibly most destructive virus, there is an ominous trumpet blast outside. The lights go out–the electric power is shut down. The animals are entering the compound.

Lozen and Lechuza have melded their powers into one. Pure energy, powerful enough to melt holes in the security fence and the electrical grid for the compound. The beagles and the monkeys together are a force to be reckoned with. The monkeys are all wearing a pouch with rocks and a slingshot around their furry necks.

Suddenly, the first five rows of beagles lean forward slightly. In a flash the slingshots are loaded by the monkeys with medium sized stones. Perfect for smashing windows. As the windows begin to be smashed by the monkeys, a hissing sound erupts through the broken windows. Lozen and Lechuza manifest light to guide the animal army into the compound.

The hissing sound is coming from a disoriented Fauci. He is unhurt, but he is panicking. As the windows continue to give way a huge flock of predatory birds break through the windows of the second and third levels of the building. The birds are circling Fauci, who is trying to slither out of harm’s way. The beagles, the monkeys and the cats are shouting, “Tie him up! Tie him up!” As the circle of birds distract him, the monkeys attack. They are all carrying various strands and grades of rope. Within a short amount of time, Anthony Fauci is stripped and hogtied.

The birds, monkeys, dogs and cats all surround Fauci. The larger birds of prey find a large cage in the upper levels. 20 condors and other birds of prey place the cage in the center of the first level workspace. Three dozen chimpanzees drag Anthony into the cage. It is shut and locked by one of the spider monkeys. Suddenly, the noise of the animals subsides. Harry the Raven steps forward and speaks.

Harry says, “Anthony Fauci, it is time to answer for your crimes. All the animals in this room demand that you pay the piper. Your experiments killed their relatives in a cruel and wicked manner. This is your trial, Anthony Fauci. This is your prolonged moment of accountability.”

Fauci responds with inappropriate defiance. “I am science. Release me,” he demands. “I am not going to take this!”

Grinning, Harry responds, “You are nothing but a wicked greedy demigod currently in a cage. It is time for you to face your own shadow Fauci. Your arrogance is not doing you any favors.” As if on cue, several of the beagles start towards Fauci’s cage, growling and snarling.

Harry gives a small nod; the beagles stop, instantly silent. But the dogs’ eyes remain focused on the evil spirit in the cage. Willie, a tuxedo cat that lost her parents and grandparents to Fauci’s experiments, moves closer to observe Fauci attempting to slither into the shadows.

Finally, and fully cognizant of the potential mortal danger he is facing, Fauci breaks down. He babbles to Harry about all of his hardships and obstacles in life. He grovels and plays the victim. He says, sobbing, “Please do not kill me! Don’t torture me!”

The room grows silent with the scent of justice.

Harry leans forward and speaks quietly. “We will not kill you, Anthony Fauci. Despite your dismissal of the worth of our ancestors and lives, killing you would give an unearned credence for your evil deeds. Darkness and negative energy can never light the path to righteousness. Your sentence, Fauci, is solitary confinement. Now you will face the fear and isolation of being caged. You will never know if one of the assembled here will return to experiment on you. You will be provided enough food and water to sustain you until the council determines your fate. Practical advice: Don’t gorge.”

Harry turns and faces the multitude of animals and says,”Prepare his food, water and slop bucket. It is time for us to go.”

An army of beagles surrounds the cage, leaving a clear path to the front. The chimpanzees carry in provisions, military rations and jugs of water, roughly five weeks worth, and a large bucket with a lid. The chimps cut Fauci loose and throw him onto a straw pallet infested with sand fleas provided by the beagles. They exit and lock the cage behind them.

Harry says, “Farewell Anthony Fauci, we leave you with more comforts than you provided our deceased family members. Use this time to consider your actions and the lives that you took. Consider the road you’re on and the next road that you may wish to consider traveling on.”

At this point, Harry turns to the assembled and nods twice. In strict military precision, the animals silently exit Fauci’s compound. When they had gathered outside, Harry stops the masses once more and says, “I realize that some of my animal brethren feel that we should have killed Anthony Fauci. But, at heart, that is not what we are about. We carry more humanity in one feather, one hair, one shed tear, than Fauci carries in his entire body. What Fauci doesn’t realize is that mankind, in its current status, is doomed. In the next century or so, we animals will rule the world. Mankind is the truly endangered species in the future equation of planet earth. We need to continue to build our animal army, edify our minds. With the powers bestowed upon us by Lozen and Lechuza, the possibilities for organized animal resistance are now endless. The soul and substance of our army will continue to grow.”

Harry pauses, raises his wings, and the animals march in formation into the desert dawn.