Covidly Incorrect Oldies Music

Well, we are in about the seventh month of this never-ending barrage of news about the corona virus. It’s enough to make you go batty. But unfortunately there is another angle to this that sadly can’t be ignored. Oldies music. Specifically music that promotes unsafe practices during this serious global crisis. I’m sorry, but a lot of the music from yester-year will just have to be banned until the Age of Corona is over.

Unfortunately the Beatles would be the first to go with “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”. Germs can be spread that way you know. Then there’s “And I Love Her” (“The kiss my lover brings she brings to me”), “All My Loving” (more kissing), “Do You Want to Know a Secret” (whispering in someone’s ear is obviously breaking the 6 foot social distancing rule), “Eight Days a Week” (no holding allowed!) and on and on. If the corona virus was around in ’64 the Beatles may have never gotten off the ground.

The “King” of rock and roll would have his own problems as well. “I want you, I need you, I love you” starts with “Hold me close, hold me tight”. Sorry, not allowed. You’re just gonna have to “live without romance” until this pandemic passes. “It’s now or never, come hold me tight, kiss me my darling, be mine tonight” pretty much breaks ALL the rules. Others would include “Surrender”, “Little Sister”, and “Teddy Bear”.

Then there’s many individual songs that must go. This is but a sample:

“Afternoon Delight” – The Starland Vocal Band. No explanation necessary.

“Midnight at the Oasis” – Maria Muldaur. No more slipping off to a sand dune, real soon, and kicking up a little dust. And I’m sure there are many other couched innuendo’s in this song that I’m still trying to figure out. And I’m middle-aged!

“Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me” – Mel Carter. Definitely uh-uh.

“If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me” – The Bellamy Brothers. Well, I guess it depends on HOW you interpret this double-meaning phrase. HA!

“Could It Be Magic” – Barry Manilow. Great song based on a Chopin classical piece but covidly-incorrect. I’m pretty sure “let me know the wonders of all of you” has to be done within a six foot radius.

How about the Captain and Tennille? Most of there songs would have to be banned. “The way I want to touch you”, “Lonely Night (Angel Face)”, “Do that to me one more time”. Even “Muskrat Love” – “And they whirl and they twirl and they tango, singing and jinging a jango”.

Sadly a few of the Beach Boys songs wouldn’t pass the test either: “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” (“hold each other close the whole night through”) and “California Girls” (thanks to those Northern girls).

“Put Your Head On My Shoulder” – Paul Anka. WAY too close there.

Btw, just a quick side-track. You know the Fonz would be TOTALLY out of business during this time.

“Please Come to Boston” – Dave Loggins. NO! Stay in Boston! At least until all this blows over.

And of course dancing is out. No twist (whether original or twisting like you did last summer – OR – peppermint twisting). No Watusi, mashed potato time, locomotion (whether Little Eva or Grand Funk Railroad). Not even the Bristol Stomp (where the kids are sharp as a pistol when they do the Bristol Stomp). Also gone is a rare dance craze called “Do the Freddie”. (Contrary to popular belief this dance was NOT invented by PolitiChicks contributor Dr. Fred Eichelman.)

You’ll also have to put the kabash on disco dancing as well – the Hustle, YMCA, Funkytown, Dancing Queen, Shake your booty” and many “More, More, More”. And of course every Donna Summer song ever made for dozens of covid related violations which we won’t go into here. With the possible exception of “MacArthur’s Park” (although those 2 men playing checkers in the park are probably closer than 6 feet apart).

Even singing is out! Unfortunately Bristol Darling’s world view that “you got time to breathe, you got time for music” would have to be put on the shelf right now.

So these “singing” songs would definitely be on the outs:

“Sing a Song” – Earth, Wind and Fire

“Sing” – The Carpenters. “Sing out loud, sing out strong”. Oh no!

“Sing, Sing, Sing” – Benny Goodman

“I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing” – The New Seekers/The Hillside Singers etc. You could still grow apple trees and honey bees and snow white turtle doves. Just no more holding the world in your arms and keeping it company.

And I guess it goes without saying that the Singing Nun would have to be banned.

Lastly of course, any song promoting kissing is totally in violation of the covid rules:

“Kiss on My List” – Hall and Oates

“Kiss and Say Goodbye” – The Manhattans. Talk about bringing someone a bit of bad news!

“Then He Kissed Me” – The Crystals

“Sealed With a Kiss” – Brian Hyland. You might be saying goodbye for the summer, fall AND winter.

“Kiss Me” – Sixpence None the Richer

“Oh Boy” – Buddy Holly. “All of my love, all of my kisses, you don’t know what you’ve been missing…oh boy”. One of Buddy’s best song.

“Fire” – The Pointer Sisters.

“Last Kiss” – J. Frank Wilson. Poor guy. His girl is dying from a car accident and he can’t even kiss her goodbye.

“As Time Goes By (a kiss is still a kiss)” – Jimmy Durante (and many others).

So you’re probably wondering, what songs COULD still be played. Good question. The answer: breakup songs! Or songs about distancing. Yayyy! That would include songs like:

“By the Time I Get to Phoenix” – Glen Campbell. He’s traveling away from his woman in a car by himself. Social distancing – check. No holding. Check. No hugging. Check. No kissing – check. OK to play!

“Since I Don’t Have You” – The Skyliners. Since you don’t have her you probably don’t have the virus which is a good thing!

“What Becomes Of the Broken-Hearted” – Jimmy Ruffin. Well, they will survive the corona scare, that’s what will become of them.

“Please Mr. Please” – Olivia Newton John. Just don’t play B17.

“I’ve Never Been To Me” – Charlene. OK, I’m really including this song so hopefully one of the readers can explain to me what in the world this song is trying to say. Nice melody and vocals though.

“S.O.S” – ABBA. This could be used as a warning sign of a failed relationship or a desperate call if you have caught covid-19.

“All I Have To Do Is Dream” – The Everly Brothers. Dreaming is OK.

“Cried Like a Baby” – Bobby Sherman. Yeah he may be in the “darkness of my room” but he’s safe from the virus.

“When I Need You” – Leo Sayer. Wonderful song that I’m sure Leo never realized would be a GREAT social distancing song.

“Miss You” – The Rolling Stones. Well, just as long as you don’t go mess and fool around like you USED to.

“50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” – Paul Simon. Personally I would hop on a bus and get out of there!

“Used To Be My Girl” – The O’Jays. Just as long as your not dancing to this song!

“All Out of Love” – Air Supply. Don’t worry. After the pandemic is over there are plenty of Air Supply love songs still available.

The Chi-Lites – “Have You Seen Her”. Although with a caveat. If you’re going to “go for walks in the park to watch the children play”, wear a mask.

“One Less Bell to Answer” – The Fifth Dimension. One less egg to fry. One less virus to worry about.

“I’ll Never Fall in Love Again” – Dionne Warwick. “What do you get when you kiss a guy? You get enough germs to catch corona”. That one word change works well in 2020.

And lastly, of course:

“All By Myself” – Eric Carmen. If you’re self-isolated you won’t be getting sick.

Hopefully this pandemic will be over soon and we can get back to all the great music above. But just in case, maybe we should modernize the lyrics to “In the Year 2525” to include covid-19.