Breaking News from Washington!
Special Counsel Robert Mueller has uncovered a recording of Russia’s U.S. election interference and collusion. The two voices on the recording are Hillary Rodham Clinton and Vladimir Putin. The transcript follows:
HRC: Hello, Vladimir.
VP: Hello, Madame President.
HRC: Thank you, Vladimir. But I’m not President yet.
VP: Formality, I’m sure. New York Times says landslide is coming. Washington Post says blowout. To what do I owe honor of call?
HRC: Do you still have that reset button?
VP: Medvedev put it in old KGB entertainment room. With Ted Kennedy dossier and rest of U.S. funny stuff.
HRC: I have a delicate question, Vlad.
HRC: My emails…
VP: Yes. We have some. Good stuff. New KGB is SVR. Better than KGB. SVR counts 33,000. Bought from China. Good stuff. It was good deal.
HRC: Oh, those. They’re just yoga, my mother’s funeral, Chelsea’s wedding…
VP: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
HRC: Well, Vladimir, you can stop laughing. I want them back. They’re all personal.
VP: Ha, ha, ha,ha, ha, ha. You want them back? OK. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
HRC: OK, then. Can you ship them to me in Chappaqua?
VP: OK. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
HRC: Dust off that little red button. We’re about to go into business.
VP: We are in business eight years already. Syria, Crimea, Ukraine, Obama “flexibility”…
HRC: Drops in the bucket, Vlad. There’s so much more.
VP: More? More what?
HRC: You like uranium, Vlad?
VP: You gave us uranium. You forgot?
HRC: I forget nothing. I’m the smartest woman in the world. You know that. We have more uranium. Much more.
VP: You are truly brilliant negotiator. And tech savvy. You will be great
HRC: So that puts an end to the email nonsense.
VP: Maybe not.
HRC: What are you talking about, Vlad?
VP: Iran and North Korea have same emails. We tried to
buy. Ayatollah and Kim much too expensive. Too many rubles.
HRC: I bet they’d like some uranium. I’ll have Podesta give them a call.
This blockbuster revelation was a surprise discovery by Robert Mueller’s crack lawyers. The Clinton-Putin conversation has been dismissed as inconsequential. The news came just as investigators had started their probe into Donny Trump’s paper route in 1957. It seems that Trump had falsely claimed his age as twelve. There is ample evidence that he was actually eleven years old when he made that assertion.
Mueller will be recommending impeachment.