What a Recording Between Putin & Hillary Might Have Sounded Like

Breaking News from Washington!

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has uncovered a recording of Russia’s U.S. election interference and collusion. The two voices on the recording are Hillary Rodham Clinton and Vladimir Putin. The transcript follows:

HRC: Hello, Vladimir.
VP: Hello, Madame President.
HRC: Thank you, Vladimir. But I’m not President yet.
VP: Formality, I’m sure. New York Times says landslide is coming. Washington Post says blowout. To what do I owe honor of call?
HRC: Do you still have that reset button?
VP: Medvedev put it in old KGB entertainment room. With Ted Kennedy dossier and rest of U.S. funny stuff.
HRC: I have a delicate question, Vlad.
VP: Delicate?
HRC: My emails…
VP: Yes. We have some. Good stuff. New KGB is SVR. Better than KGB. SVR counts 33,000. Bought from China. Good stuff. It was good deal.
HRC: Oh, those. They’re just yoga, my mother’s funeral, Chelsea’s wedding…
VP: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
HRC: Well, Vladimir, you can stop laughing. I want them back. They’re all personal.
VP: Ha, ha, ha,ha, ha, ha. You want them back? OK. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
HRC: OK, then. Can you ship them to me in Chappaqua?
VP: OK. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
HRC: Dust off that little red button. We’re about to go into business.
VP: We are in business eight years already. Syria, Crimea, Ukraine, Obama “flexibility”…
HRC: Drops in the bucket, Vlad. There’s so much more.
VP: More? More what?
HRC: You like uranium, Vlad?
VP: You gave us uranium. You forgot?
HRC: I forget nothing. I’m the smartest woman in the world. You know that. We have more uranium. Much more.
VP: You are truly brilliant negotiator. And tech savvy. You will be great
HRC: So that puts an end to the email nonsense.
VP: Maybe not.
HRC: What are you talking about, Vlad?
VP: Iran and North Korea have same emails. We tried to
buy. Ayatollah and Kim much too expensive. Too many rubles.
HRC: I bet they’d like some uranium. I’ll have Podesta give them a call.

This blockbuster revelation was a surprise discovery by Robert Mueller’s crack lawyers. The Clinton-Putin conversation has been dismissed as inconsequential. The news came just as investigators had started their probe into Donny Trump’s paper route in 1957. It seems that Trump had falsely claimed his age as twelve. There is ample evidence that he was actually eleven years old when he made that assertion.

Mueller will be recommending impeachment.

Basil Hoffman

Basil Hoffman is an American character actor, best known for his work, often in classic films, with distinguished film directors including Peter Bogdanovich, Mario Monicelli, Richard Benjamin, Carl Reiner, Peter Medak (five times) and Alan J. Pakula (twice); Academy Award winners Ethan and Joel Coen, Paolo Sorrentino, Michel Hazanavicius, Steven Spielberg, Delbert Mann, Blake Edwards, Stanley Donen, Sydney Pollack, Ron Howard and Robert Redford (twice); and many others. He appeared in two Best Picture Academy Award winners: Ordinary People and The Artist. He has worked with fourteen Oscar winning actors: Sophia Loren in Lady Liberty, Gene Hackman and Liza Minnelli in Lucky Lady, Dustin Hoffman and Martin Balsam in All the President's Men, Jason Robards in All the President's Men and Comes a Horseman, Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Christopher Plummer in "The Moneychangers", Mary Steenburgen in Pontiac Moon, Jane Fonda in The Electric Horseman and Comes a Horseman, Christopher Walken in Communion and The Milagro Beanfield War, Renee Zellweger in Down With Love, J.K. Simmons in 3 Geezers! and Jean Dujardin in The Artist. He also appeared with Oscar winners Philip Seymour Hoffman in Culture and Timothy Hutton in Ordinary People, but shared no scenes with them. He worked with two Oscar winning actors in films for which they won the award, Jason Robards in All the President's Men and Jean Dujardin in The Artist. He is one of only two actors who has worked four times with actor/director Robert Redford, twice with Redford as an actor and twice with Redford as the director. Jane Fonda is the only other actor who has worked four times with Robert Redford, with Redford as an actor but never as the director. When he arrived in Hollywood in 1974, no movie/TV agent would represent him. In 1978 after appearing in six major studio pictures for distinguished directors including two future Oscar winners (and three films for directors who were nominated but didn't win), he was invited to join the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. Four years later, director Ron Howard cast him in Night Shift. It was the first feature in which he was hired from an audition. He has worked with five Academy Award winning directors for whom he had never auditioned. In 2008 he served in Beirut as U.S. State Department Cultural Envoy to Lebanon. He is also the author of the acting textbooks, "Cold Reading and How to Be Good at It" and“Acting and How to Be Good at It" (and The Second Edition) with a foreword by Sydney Pollack.

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