Dancing (Theoretically on my Couch) With the Stars: Week 3

PolitiChicks.comIt’s week three and even though we get to say buh-bye to another couple at the end of the show. (SPOILER ALERT:  It’s not the YouTube chick, because, yeah, she’s with Derek. It’s not the loony lady with the limber legs, or even half of a 1970’s comedy duo. It’s not Michael Waltrip (or his hair) and it’s not the guy that will always be known as “the guy from the sitcom Will Smith was in.” Could it be Dreamy McDimples? Nope, you’ll just have to wait for the end of this engaging and melodious diatribe before I let you know it’s Randy “The UFC Dancin’” Couture!!!). That’s show business folks, and speaking of shows, it’s MOVIE NIGHT!! (I’m really grateful that I have DWTS to help me sort out all the weeks into clever names now.  I never really know what to call my weeks when the show is on hiatus.)

So last week, as you probably know by now, we lost Tavis Smiley (and when I wrote that just now I pictured him under a really big couch cushion along with some loose change and a hair clip). I wonder what words of wisdom Mr. Smiley will use on himself to soften the blow of being voted off during Jam Week?

Which Candidate Do You Support in the Republican Primaries?

Don’t cry over spilled jam?

Et tu, Jam?

Jam means never having to say you’re sorry?

Doesn’t matter, he’s doomed to be forgotten until the final show when they trot him out on the dance floor one last time to relive his gory glory days as a dancer once again. But that’s old news, who needs jam when a group of nameless producers dancing celebrities (and that guy from Mean Girls) can dance to their favorite movie song AND vie for a chance to win a mirror ball trophy the size of a large raccoon? (And yes, I discovered the strikethrough key on my computer this week and will be using it repeatedly at my discretion.)

First off let me say that the opening number scared me to pieces. There is no amount of curiosity left inside me that could cause me to even slightly want to watch Betsy Johnson reenact the iconic clay scene from the movie Ghost. I just don’t have the strength.

And I guess I missed the memo (or the movies) that defined Kevin Hart as a major movie star (according to Tom Bergeron) but honestly, for this rag tag group of folks he’s pretty much ahead of the pack as far as actually having made a movie in, say the last 10 years or so. Len Goodman has apparently escaped the week off and therefore we won’t really know if a dance is stodgy or not, but no, hold it, Julianne Hough is dressed like a Vegas schoolmarm so I guess we can all rest easy. And with that, let’s start judging others, shall we? You know, lest we be judged by them (which would be awful because I’ve really been pretty snarky towards the old lady and Mr. Hairdo).

There’s nothing like being told you’re in jeopardy (dance jeopardy that is) and then being told 2 seconds later that you need to get out on stage and shake your money maker… Well played DWTS, well played. It’s sort of like being told “No, I won’t be going with you to the prom, but I’d really like a ride to the gymnasium.” Randy Couture and Karina are dancing to ‘Eye of the Tiger’ from Rocky II. And Karina is (sure, why not?) in a ball room gown and Randy is dressed like a matador, in a boxing ring, and they’re sort of fighting. I do get the existentialism of it all, but really only because I’ve always wanted to use the word existentialism in a sentence. I actually thought Karina should have been dressed in animal print and Randy should have come out in a giant eyeball costume. I’m artsy that way.

Alfonso and Witney are up next, and could it be? Yes, Alfonso is dressed as Austin Powers. Is this really Alfonso Ribeiro’s favorite movie, or is it just the perfect opportunity to have one of the celebs dressed in velvet? In the rehearsal clip we watch as sweet, angelic Witney tells Alfonso that she’s tired of dragging his “fat (rhymes with mass)” around the dance floor. I personally think their movie should have been, “Wow what a colossal (rhymes with witch) I have as a dance partner”, but perhaps I’m just a little bit sensitive about things like that. The dance was fantastic.  Well, Alfonso was great; I thought his dance partner was mean and terrible. Hashtagmeangirlsisnotjustamovieapparently.

And now we come to Tony Dovolani and Betsy “Hey look, I can put my foot above my ear” Johnson. (Seriously, if I see one tiny inkling that these two are going to make a clay pot I am outta here.) Phew, we’re in luck, Tony’s a ghost, a real live dead ghost, and Betsy is, uhm, his grandmother? Don’t get me wrong, the lady looks amazing, she really does, and even though the dance is confusing visually (like in a Randy Couture dance number sort of way) I’m pleased that Ms. Johnson didn’t go down into the spli…..and there she goes. Sigh.  (Hold up Tony I want to go towards the light with you!! Tony??? Seriously bro, take me with you!!)   I have to say that this was one of the strangest dance numbers I’ve ever seen. And yep, I did witness Steve Wozniak doing the worm and Marie Osmond dressed as a rag doll.

Lea Thompson finally gets to play her Back to the Future card and curl up like a kitten in Ark-rims lap. (Chick wasn’t kidding when she called herself a cougar…) I can’t say I’m surprised that they used every available storyline and prop from the movie for this number, and naturally we now have our third car of the season on the dance floor, but hey, if you’re going to go back to the future, we all know you need a Delorean. And the flux capacitor. And plutonium. (Yes, I’ve watched the movie 328 times, now “make like a tree and go”.)  How was the dance? I just think she still seems to be taking it all WAY too seriously. Competition is great and everything, but I just don’t like seeing that much desperation in someone’s face. For a mirror ball. A ball with mirrors.  Now for the love of everything Lea, please CALM DOWN.

Michael Waltrip and Emma are going to be dancing a waltz to everyone’s favorite movie, Robin Hood. I’ve never met anyone whose favorite top 100 movies even had Robin Hood in it and I’m beginning to think that the producers of this show just manipulate things around to fit their needs. Seriously though, the hat that Michael’s hairdo is wearing only makes me think of a cartoon bear and animated animals with British accents. In their rehearsal clip he assures Emma that for this dance he will be “stepping on the gas”, which is really what you want to see when watching two people dance the waltz. The dance wasn’t too bad and luckily he didn’t impale anyone with his chapeau. Win win.

Dimples McSabato just wants this whole experience to be fun. Has he gone mad?? Do we need to sit him in a room with Lea Thompson and have her explain to him the extreme importance of this dance competition while she simultaneously curls up into a diminutive little ball on his lap? Or have Witney come in and callously point out any imperfections he might have?  (Seriously though, could someone point out at least one?) Of course Cheryl Burke is having none of that. I really can’t tell if Antonio enjoys being on the show or if his agents enjoy him being on the show. It’s like he’s got all the parts of a motorboat, except the engine. He sure is purty though.

Mark Ballas and Sadie Robertson are dancing to a song from the movie Up. I begin crying uncontrollably as soon as I see balloons. That movie just kills me. I thought the dance was adorable and I really have nothing catty at all to say about Mark this week. Hold it–I just thought of something. Naw, it was a sweet routine and he did great with the choreography. I’ll get him next week I’m sure.

Jonathon and his BFF are pensive this week. Not only were they just told that they are (gulp) in jeopardy, but Allison is still smarting from all the negativity from the female judges last week. (Yes, that’s you Julianne and Ms. AhhhhNawbaaa!)  Allison seeks out advice from another one of the pros and it goes something like this:

(Cue Sad Dance Rehearsal music)

Allison: I just really need to seek out advice from another one of the pros so I can get some perspective on what I’m supposed to accomplish as a partner. I see Mark over there; I’ll ask him for help.

Mark: (excited to be the one she approaches for this dilemma, but also trying to play it cool) Hey Allison, wazsup?

Allison: Oh Mark, hopefully you can help me, I’ve been looking all over the studio, have you seen Derek?


(I guess I didn’t have to wait until next week to make fun of Mark after all, sorry Mark fans).

Allison and Jonathan literally got the worst song in the history of dancing for their Tango, a mostly spoken-word “tune” from The Great Gatsby. It was like watching two people dance to someone reading a farm report. I feel like someone on the staff has it out for the new gal. Maybe next week they’ll have her do a quick step to ‘Amazing Grace’.

On the other hand, Val and Janel get to dance a number from the fantastic score of West Side Story, only there’s a teeny little catch:  apparently the DWTS lawyers say you can dance to West Side Story, but don’t make it look like you’re dancing to West Side Story.  (Isn’t that a bit like giving someone tap shoes and telling them not to make any noise with them?) Obviously things worked out because:

  1. Val is a Chmerkovskiy and Chmerkovskiy’s always triumph
  2. The number looked like the opening of a really good Community Theater production of West Side Story, AND
  3. Take that you silly Dance Show Lawyers! No one puts a Chmerkovskiy in the corner!

With Peta and Tommy’s number, the thing that struck me the most was that the amount of smoke they used to cover the dance floor probably seemed very comforting to Tommy, as most of his movies actually looked a lot like that. I like them as a couple; they have an interesting dynamic. Also I dropped my pen on the carpet while they were dancing and my cat grabbed it and I have no idea what happened because when I looked back up but they were both lying down in the middle of the dance floor.

In the interest of time (and my old arthritic fingers) I’m going to just say (once again) Derek Hough is a genius. He took my favorite musical (Singin’ in the Rain), my favorite dancer (Gene Kelly), my favorite weather (rain), and made it glorious. I hope his partner Bethany is well aware that she drew the golden ticket when she got Derek as a dance partner this season. And by using the words “golden and ticket” I’ve magically used a movie phrase to wrap up this week’s rundown of Dancing with the Stars. Ta-da!

And in closing, the dancing world is really going to miss you Randy Couture, but like they say in the movies, “We’ll always have Jam Week.”

Lisa K. Brown

Lisa K. Brown, also known to her fans on social media as 'Lisa Carrington Pennyweather', is the author of the top selling book, If Cheese Made You Thin I'd Be Invisible By Now. An East Texas based humorist, Lisa was a Features writer for CHARM Magazine for five years and has been published nationally in a variety of print publications and online sites. Although not a dancer in real life, her exhaustive knowledge of Bob Fosse and the ability to choreograph (in her mind, verbatim) the opening number from West Side Story makes her (by default) an expert in this field.

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