I’m Switching Parties

542265_340322562722458_785473486_nThat’s it. I’m switching Parties.

Yes, as of now I am a Democrat. I’m going to quit my job and chain myself to a tree to protect it from the evil rich white man. Then I’m going to stop shaving my legs and write angry poetry about evil rich white men trying to control my lady parts and then after that, I’m planning on joining Code Pink and getting my very own dancing vagina costume.

And why shouldn’t I? The Obama administration has all but made any real effort to succeed on my part unnecessary because really, success matters not when the government is handing out insurance, phones, food and abortions. Competition is just mean and makes people feel bad, it’s not fair to lose when someone else is just better at doing something than you are and the democrats are making sure that there is no such thing as being exceptional. We’re all at the same exact level because that’s fair.

What’s the point of working hard anymore, why bother caring about the future of this country when clearly it is no longer relevant?

Might as well throw away that pesky Constitution while I’m at it, being that it’s so outdated – especially that amendment that makes guns magically kill people. Yup. I’m done. I’m going to sign up for Obamacare, get my Obamaphone and kiss my freedom goodbye. To do otherwise is racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamaphobic and makes me a right wing nutjob bigot to boot. Championing freedom is so humdrum and uncool these days, so I’m ready to join the “group think” and let Obama make decisions for me. Like the democrats say, the individual is simply too stupid to think for themselves, we belong not to ourselves but to communities so hey, they can take care of me.

Of course I know learning to be a Democrat will take some time. I’ll need to start seeing people based on their skin color, sex, preference, creed, and ability – you know, the things I’ve ignored as a Republican because that whole “judging people based on their character” thing doesn’t work for Democrats. And sure, it will be difficult for me buy into the concept of making employers pay me more because I am woman, but again, it’s for my own benefit right, which is the cry of the Democratic Party. The ME Party.

This is so awesomely liberating, to no longer have to think for myself or worry about this country.  It’s great to know now I can sit on the sidelines, making snide comments at those of you unwilling to give up your rights and freedom and mock your attempts to save this country. I can’t wait to call someone a racist simply because I can’t come up with a better argument–and honestly, I am totally looking forward to making a jerk out of myself at some pro-abortion rally…

Yes, I’m going to be the typical angry liberal woman.

 Note: If you bought a single word of this I have a bridge to sell you… and if you’re a liberal reading this and cheering, not so fast—I’ve simply borrowed the “Mocking You” page from your Alinsky manual.

Written by Sam Janney

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