As anyone who knows me knows, I am a heartless Conservative. That means whenever I see TV commercials with Third World children and the voiceover begins, “Little Philippe has eaten nothing but dirt for the last three years…” my first thought is, “Well, little Philippe needs to get a job – even if he is just five years old.”
But something recently came to my attention that melted even my sub-zero Reagan-loving heart. As a result of the deadly sequestration that those devious Republicans tricked the smartest President in the history of the universe into creating and implementing, our public servants on Capitol Hill are now facing a plague of Biblical proportions. Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz has testified that her staffers are hanging onto life by the slenderest of threads and may be forced to adopt a homeless animal just to have something to eat.
“We have to come together and promote initiatives that improve the quality of life in the House of Representatives.
We already have employees who are making a sacrifice to engage in public service as a career choice. Being priced out of being able to actually eat a high quality meal should not be one of the challenges that they face.”
Oh the humanity! How can a loving God allow something like this to happen in the most recklessly wasteful capital on the face of the earth? Is it not enough that the average Capitol Hill staffer is “making a sacrifice to engage in public service” at a salary only about three times as much as the average American citizen? Something has to be done about this, and I intend to be the one to do that “something” about it.
That “something” is my new charity, Adopt-a-Dem. For your individual donation of just $51,521, you can pay your fair share of our national debt and bring an end to this horrendous sequestration, or should I say, starvesquation. You’ll also get a really cool t-shirt hand made by a Third World child which you can wear with pride to show just how much you care about social justice. Why should the federal government have to cut back just because the national debt is over $16 trillion, over 90 million of our fellow Americans are out of work, and 15% of the country is on food stamps? Federal employees may be forced to eat dogs and cats!
A big telethon with the usual line up of liberal Hollywood A-listers is also in the works, but if you would like to take immediate action, please send a package of Ramen noodles to the offices of Debbie Wasserman Schulz at:
Washington, DC Office
Debbie Wasserman Schultz 118 Cannon HOB
Washington, D.C. 20515
Phone: (202) 225-7931
Fax: (202) 226-2052
Pembroke Pines, FL Office
Debbie Wasserman Schultz 10100 Pines Blvd.
Pembroke Pines, FL 33026
Phone: (954) 437-3936
Fax: (954) 437-4776
Aventura, FL Office
Debbie Wasserman Schultz 19200 West Country Club Drive
Aventura, FL 33180
Phone: (305) 936-5724
Fax: (305) 932-9664