Does your state GOP organizational meeting need a little more pizazz? Do you have more voters present by proxy than attending in person? Do members get bored watching the latest Republican National Committee (RNC) videos and listening to elected officials give legislative updates? Then look no further than the following seven GOP meeting tips to make any Republican want to pay money to be at your next state meeting.
- Purchase or rent a giant cymbal prior to the meeting, similar to what was used in the “Gong Show.” Instruct the parliamentarian to “gong” every time the chair or other speaker violates Roberts Rules of Order.
- In an effort to increase the tent and win the big “L” vote, offer the Libertarians a table to fundraise for their favorite charity and grant them permission to sell their special brand of “organic”
- After the Invocation and Pledge, require two elected state office holders to kickstart the meeting with a duet. EXAMPLE: At the March 14, Colorado State Central Committee Meeting, Treasurer Walker Stapleton asked, “How much collective dope smoking do we need to engage in to make up for the loss of fracking revenue?” Cynthia Coffman followed Stapleton’s remarks by saying that her election as Attorney General was the “high of a lifetime.” What Republican would want to miss out on a live performance of Stapleton and Coffman crooning “Rocky Mountain High” at the next meeting? (The John Denver tune was recognized in 2007 as Colorado’s second state song.)
- In lieu of airing the latest RNC video, the State Chair, Vice Chair, and Secretary should give a tag team performance of Judson Laipply’s the “Evolution of Dance” comedy routine. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg
- Just for fun, instruct the Teller Committee to count votes and add percentages using the “Common Core approved” computational method. Tell them that the correct answer doesn’t matter so long as they show their work.
- Instead of speeches from elected officials and candidates during vote counts, inform them to perform a variety routine. Kind of like “America’s Got Talent,” but this time it’s “Republicans Got Talent.” Assign press as judges.
- Close the meeting by inviting all the women from the Establishment and Liberty wings of the party on stage to sing the Sister Sledge hit, “We Are Family.” Make them hold hands while singing.